Beware of this post. It’s been building up for a while. It’s my honest thoughts that have been brewing inside me for weeks now.
No one told me that being a change agent and trying to make progress happen was going to be this hard. This is how I feel:
I feel like we really aren’t getting anywhere. I worry that I have a major philosophy difference with decision makers. I worry that the vision I have, what I want to see and experience in an education environment isn’t realistic. I worry that I live in a place that is too traditional for my way of thinking. I worry that I’ll never be at a place where I can feel “THIS is it” and that I won’t be content until I’m there. I’m consumed. I’m incensed. I’m exhausted. I know what I want for my students — I’ve seen it in what some of my colleagues are doing around the country. My kids deserve it. I try so hard to make it happen. Change is hard. Change is slow. Change doesn’t feel like it’s happening for me. I’m tired of having these thoughts so many times every day. I’m tired of feeling frustrated. I’m tired.
I need to disconnect, regroup, and re-prioritize. I’m going to take a break from fighting battles. But I can’t yet because I have too much in the works. I’m thinking the middle of next week would be a good time to schedule a break. And this fact alone probably sums up my issues pretty well.
So this is where I am right now. No easy solution, no resolution to my internal turmoil. Some reassurance that this is necessary or that it will lead to progress would be nice, but probably not a realistic hope. So I’m going to try to keep calm and carry on. I saw that on a poster somewhere, right? So first I’m going to try to find some calm and go from there.